More Bacon Than The Pan Can Handle

[Zetro]

More Bacon Than The Pan Can Handle
It was a dark and stinky night. We marched over narrow walkways toward the Citadel of Pain. The air reeked like smithing acid and rotten pickled eggs. Made my throat sore just breathing it. The whole dimension was hardcore feng shui with wrought iron bars, spikes, chains, and torture gadgets galore. Did I mention that we were all red and slickery from the constant fine mist of BLOOD? Wonderful. Like most of us weren't already popping marrcillin after our recent Lxanvom trip. Mind you, a few from temscouts were on it for other reasons. Pork swords get gunky without a sheath. And that's One to Grow On.
Inside, Torment's garrison tried to play goalie between us and their spankmistress. Most of those barking poodle mutants didn't have much fight in them. You want strange, though? Check out Maareq the Prophet (pics below). He's like a powdered human donut with facehugger jelly filling. Slowly, steadily, we hacked and shuffled forward through the jagged Citadel. It was a wire monkey mama of a place. I kept wishing I had a pair of gnomemade Solu-socks® and a basket of gravy fries. Comfort is a foreign concept in Saryrn's plane -- like toilet paper in Grobb.
	Our rangers tracked the screams. They tracked the cruel laughter. They tracked the steamy wolf plops.
In the fifth and highest floor of the tower, we spotted her. A demi-god of Torment. The Mistress of Pain. She turned for a moment, giving us a full body profile. Everyone noticed IT at once. We were all thinking the same thing. It was Moonglum who spoke out loud. "Heh. That is one bouyant booty." I guess a little too loud. Spiked-toe boots clackered toward us. AGGRO! Sweet mother of meatpies. Was this surprise engage month?
	Note the protrudin' moon on that lady. The Vah Shir could have a 2nd colony on Saryrn's badonkadonk. Where was I? Oh yeah. Early Saryrn INC! We know our jobs. We know our strengths and weaknesses. Keep your uber. Temerity is the only guild we want to be like. A demi-god had run across the tower and jumped us at her stair well. Nobody spazzed. We simply did what needed doing. What choice did we have? We tanked. We healed. We pushed her giant bum dumplings back across the room.
Click any pic to see full version
Kwel winds up his taunt phrase. What will it be? And the pitch is away...	..."PUMPKIN SMUGGLER"
The Lunachick reacts.
Her beloved pet crow, Sorrowsong, burst onto the scene in a heartwrenching bid to save its master.	Somehow he got lit on fire! We tried our best to smother its flames with the axes and spears that were available. Awkward.
Bleeding magical energy, her necrochicken dead at her feet, a woozy Saryrn struggled to stay upright. She cackled and sneered insults until the very end. They made no sense, though. "Your victory came centuries too late to have ever happened." Uh, okay, Patootie Kong. She was batcrap insane, right? Oooh look. Shinies.
Grats Moonglum on the earring, Thoran on the staff, Linkamus on the whip, Nydi and Moonglum on a belt each. 'Bout time they got something to hold their pants up. Pervs. I know, I know. 'Nice' loot, Zetro. Our readers like their dessert sweeter and in bigger scoops. We get it! Now scroll down for your sugar coma.
AHR didn't get the memo about which body part to flash in this update.
Still on our theme, Tem went shopping at Thal-Mart this week for the other kind of booty. Aten Ha Ra treats us right. Unlike some other bosses. Nothing more embarassing than following a tough kill with an /rsay like, "Send tells for a_half_off_sandwich_coupon. Anyone? Apps or guests? Please link current lunch plans." But scope this, gnome skillets. ALL of the below dropped during the last week of March. In two nights (thx Wednesday reset) of raiding Vex Thal. (click anything to see more clearly, yada yada)
Congrats Cromis	Congrats Sorric
(x2) Congrats Torusk, Ravenwing	Congrats Kaboom
Congrats Bijaz	Congrats Faite
(x2)Congrats Nydi, Torusk	Congrats Stamm
< Congrats Ravenwing	More congrats Ravenwing
(x2) Congrats Pane, Kaboom	Congrats Hemper
Congrats Pane	Congrats Kudadil
Congrats Miller	Congrats Wemsler
Congrats Rysia	Congrats Xayz
Congrats Glimi	Congrats Eloween
Congrats Nydi	Congrats Wemsler
Congrats Bijaz	Congrats Bacchus
(x2) Congrats Avocado, Zetro (thank you Tems)
Sugary enough? Oh my. Nurse, we need insulin over here, STAT. Or kaopectate. Whatever. Good thing I didn't mention that we also stopped at Ssra that night, picking up Linkamus and Kudadil a pair of Cloak of Dark Shadows . It would be just plain medically irresponsible for me to mention the Vyzhdra that Linkamus found in his cloak pocket. Oops, flatline. So much for that Hippopotamus Oath thingy I swore to uphold. (Continued)

(End of Part 1. Enter our News forum to read the entire update.)

[Zetro]

(Continued from Part1)

SPEAKING of Healers, nobody has a more stressful job than our clerics and druids. They're the backbone of our raid. Most of us can make a mistake here and there. If the Priests fugg up, our entire raid could wipe. That's pressure. One way Temerity lets our Priestitutes blow off steam is through their heal messages. You know those boring "Complete heal inc on Nilipus, 10 seconds" messages you see around town? NOT HERE. I think the only thing we insist on is a number. A name would be nice, too. After that, go nuts. If some of these aren't quaker instant roflmeal, you have to imagine seeing a green text waterfall of them, AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. Sometimes for 20 minutes or more (/cuddle Luclin). It gets positively surreal. It makes me laugh. So hey, I give back. Group hug. Presenting:

To my Froofy Ds that didn't make this edition: Steam-powered clockwork satellite Brassnut-1 is watching. The gauntlet is down. Show us what ya got.

Temerity's finger wagglers zapped us back to our home base in the Plane of Tranquility. We needed to visit a few old foes and get our quackers lined up. Look above at the green dude playing his one stringed guitar. We're prepping for a showdown with his old man. Wonder if Papa Zek sat Junior down yet for The Talk. You know, about girl orcs and the dangers of smoking Faydark ditchweed in a bubbler full of Qeynos Tea. Which reminds me. GRATS Hemper on completing your epic!!

Meet Tallon's multi-boxing twin, Vallon. He tries to hit us while also spraying AE aggro-reducer. Next, he pops a bunch of straw men. Then he faceplants and declares himself victorious while we loot his corpse. Almost sounds like a message board flamer.

R.I.P.

Hibdin cracked wise, so Nydi had to punch him out in front of his friends.

My paladin brothers. Here you can see them in action with a large, bare-chested guy that's dripping soap suds and wearing a gold tiara. Did I say brothers? I meant neighbors. From the moon.

Most people that don't like the Blue Man Group will walk out. Or boo. Kwel charges the stage with a bastard sword.

The madman lighting Ekil on fire is our contract killa, Myrbob. AKA,"Omerta" when he outsources to the High Elf Mafia. Right after I took this snap, he started to sing ~stuck in the middle with yooOoo~. Then he lopped off the giant's ear.

While lounging around the drafty Bastion of Thunder, Agnarr likes to wear a cyan blue Snuggie™ -- It's The Blanket With Sleeves.

Pwhew. Too much looty. Too much booty. The pan is eight pigs past full. That's gonna be a wrap, Al'Kabor! Congratulations, in order above, to Lumbar "Death from Below" Payne, Asher, Rysia Belladona, Nydi, Wemsler Baggins and Hemper. OMG Rysia. Awesome to see ya getting into the spirit of the update. xoxo, Zetro

Epilogue

There's a war coming. "The words of Maelin echo in your mind, 'The Zeks and Solusek are planning an invasion in Norrath.'" What we learned in the Plane of Innovation hit even closer to home. The guys had asked me to cover crowd control down the hall. I didn't find out about the Manaetic Behemoth until after the raid. I went berserk. Those shrimp-brained ogre slopfaces in DRUNDER were gonna use Gnomish technology in the invasion!! I was so nauseous that I couldn't finish my blueberry jello. The time has come. HEY RALLOS ZEK. We're baaaack. We flagged our friends, old and new. We busted your robot of mass destruction. We knocked out your demi-god ally that can't get her pants on without spray butter. We're coming for you, Warlord. Next.

[Saenayil]

Wow Zet, amazing work

[hemper]

Another well update well done Thanks Zet!

My favorite quotes from this edition:

The Vah Shir could have a 2nd colony on Saryrn's badonkadonk.

Somehow he got lit on fire! We tried our best to smother its flames with the axes and spears that were available. Awkward.

I was so nauseous that I couldn't finish my blueberry jello.

[Ravenwing]

Er, allow me to direct your attention to the 4th picture from the top, on the right.

Rysia.

Kicking ass.

Without the benefit of pants?

Maybe we should get *her* a Saryrn belt.

Raven

[Avocado]

Half the reason I raid is just to read what the healers come up with each day. I get a lot of world news and cultural information from them.

[Moonglum]

Ahh Zetro, you have actually made my alarm deciding it was daylights savings time today worth it.

[Zygor]

awesome job Zetro! Keep it up

[Kelluae]

Zet, you rock the Kasbah. Awesome job.

[Tolnak]

WOoT!! GRATZ!! NICE Work!!

Tolnak

[Redleaf]

Better than watching a movie Thanks for the unearthly effort, Zetro.

Great work Temerity!

[Uerinka]

Kickass! Wonderful job Zetro and Tems!

[Thiklan]

The pan runneth over - or amok!?!?

Nice Z!

I still smell like Saryn's spikey bed sheets...

Thik

[Zetro]

Thanks so much people, gnomes and foolman healers. It's a blast having the adventures with all of you. Writing the update is a kick for me too. On the other hand, formatting it and getting Vbulletin to cooperate is so much Not.

Raven, there's an even better Belladonna (_!_) pic behind one of the hyperlinkamuses.

[Fenneddar]

LOVE IT